


Downward Spiral

by e_mors



Series: Make It Good [23]
Category: Actor RPF, Call Me By Your Name (2017) RPF
Genre: Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-10
Updated: 2018-06-10
Packaged: 2019-05-20 18:28:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,090
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14899718
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/e_mors/pseuds/e_mors
Summary: Timmy is dealing with what happened.





	Downward Spiral

Before he even opens his eyes, he tries to weigh the leaden guilt rooted in the center of his chest, even though he knows it’s still as heavy as yesterday.

If not heavier.

Unwanted images from last night’s party flash under his eyelids, but he doesn’t even recognise himself in them. It feels like another heavy role, in which he plays somebody slowly but surely slipping into some sort of a break down, somebody who has given up.

He tries to get up when his hazy mind gets baffled by an abrupt memory, the kind that comes unwillingly and makes you hide under the covers.

„I don’t mind that you use me, man. I use you too.” Abel saying to him with something menacing lurking in his eyes. The pat on his shoulder. A smile that doesn’t reach the eyes. It felt like contempt. But maybe it was just empathy? Timmy was pretty drunk at this point, but these words drilled into his brain and now are making his head spin.

Is this what he’s doing? Using people?

Ironically, Armie said he had been the one pushing, even though he knew that it’s not true. He knew and still took the blame.

And Timmy just let him.

He throws up, filling the bathroom with unbearable stench of all his wrongdoings. This is who he is. He disgusts himself.

As he kneels by the toilet he thinks that if he didn’t cancel his flight, right now he would be on his knees too, but before Armie, begging him.

He isn’t, though. Because apparently his feelings are so childishly fragile that he gets swayed by some stupid anniversary post. He’s so unsure that he gets scared off by a tattoo. He knows it’s silly. He knows it shouldn’t change anything. But it did. It killed something in him (not the love, though, something else, something essential) and he didn’t go. And now he can’t help thinking that even if that would surely be just another mistake, he should have made it. This was the one mistake worth to make.

The regret wells inside him along the bile he’s retching.

 

He drinks some water and checks his phone. There is a message. From Elizabeth.

 

Elizabeth: Please, call me when you can.

 

As he chooses her number he thinks getting scorned by her is more than proper today of all days.

„Timmy?” she answers quickly.

„Hi. Um. How are you? Is everything all right?”

He really hopes she will slate him, ridicule him. If there is somebody who can give him what he deserves, it’s her.

„Yes, everything is fine. Listen. I want to get this out of the way first, okay? So, just let me speak.”

To his surprise she doesn’t sound angry as she continues:

„I want to be clear. I won’t apologise to you. For what I did and what I said. I was hurt. I still am. My marriage was.. Well, I never considered it could end. It has never crossed my mind, not even once. I might have been naive, but it’s true. So I think I was in shock. I couldn’t comprehend it. Maybe I still can’t. Anyway. I cannot apologise. And I won’t.”

It seems like it’s his turn to speak.

„I don’t expect you to.”

„Good. Good.”

She pauses for a second and he wonders if this is the moment when he should apologise but she cuts this thought off with her suddenly hesitant voice.

„Obviously, that’s not why I wanted to talk to you..”

She pauses again and it’s clear she’s not comfortable with what she’s about to say. He decides to be patient and wait.

„I don’t know if I’m overstepping here… But you being so out there recently, you know, in the tabloids… makes me think that you are trying to get back at Armie, punish him? And I thought it might be connected to our anniversary… Maybe?”

Where this is going? He hasn’t got a clue.

„Is this why you're acting up?”

The pain spreads from his head all over his body now. He doesn’t answer, so she continues a little more confident.

„Thought so.” she sighs „Listen, Timmy. I love Armie. I love him very much, even though it's not easy. He is the father of my children and even after everything I still need him to be his best self, for them.”

The nausea is back. So he was just another affair after all, another minor hiccup in their marriage. They will prevail as he becomes the very cliche he dreaded so much. He doesn’t know if he admires her or hates her. Probably both.

„I’m sorry, Elizabeth. You don’t have to worry, I will be out of your lives for good. I already am. If this is what you are asking? I mean, I don’t understand what it is that you want from me.”

„No, Timmy. God, you really don’t understand.”

He goes to the window and opens it wide, because he’s struggling to breathe.

„The tattoo. He got it as a goodbye. We are not getting back together.”

He sticks his head out to feel the fresh air on his skin.

„Timmy?”

He wishes it would rain down on his face right now.

„I’m here.”

„It doesn’t mean I forgive you. And it doesn’t mean I’m on your side.”

„Okay.” he mumbles as he closes his eyes and lets himself be overtaken by the sweet breeze of hope.

„Whatever you do, please, try not to hurt him. I don’t know, just be more discreet? He really doesn’t need to know how much fun you are having. He feels like a fool as it is.”

The smile that creeped onto his face fades at once. It’s all wrong. If anybody's a fool, it's him.

„Thank you, Elizabeth.” he wants to say more, but he can’t think of the right words.

„Take care of yourself, Timmy.” she ends the call leaving him alone with what should be a burden, but makes him feel light instead.

 

Before he steps into the shower, he books his flight.

At first, he tries to ignore the nagging thought from the back of his mind that he’s doing this only because now, thanks to Elizabeth, he knows that there is a chance. But when he looks at himself in the mirror, there is no disdain in his eyes. He embraces the fact that he’s not a man who can live without this crucial little thing that got lost on him for a while. Hope.

**Author's Note:**

> So…  
> Wanna talk or something?
> 
> You can always hit me on [tumblr](https://subjectivelyspeaking.tumblr.com)


End file.
